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The Quranic prescription for polygamy suggests that men can marry two, three or four wives (but not the other way round, naturally). This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. Since this is nobody's tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. She always imposes a fine of 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (around $1,700) and six strikes of a cane. Their mean age was 33.83 ranging from 18-50 years. The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. What's popular and why. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Lillian takes care of the children and is responsible for the admin of the taxi business, and Thembi still works as a nurse. But the current qualitative study is an attempt to fill the gaps that are left unexposed by survey-based or quantitative research and particularly to explore the positive consequences of polygamy and coping strategies which the polygamous women used to deal with co-wives relationships other than causes and disadvantages of co-wives. 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? You feel stuck and feel as if you do not belong where you are. She told, "I used to cry in isolation". Of importance is the need to disseminate the findings of studies like this one to those who are in a position to make change a reality. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being. Eleven women participated in the study. Mrs. Gulzar who was 36 years first wife told as she came to know her husband has a hidden marriage with Miss Nasreen. Polygamy | Becoming A Second Wife | Accepting Other Wives 13,077 views May 15, 2020 154 Dislike Share Diaspora Ukhti 3.66K subscribers This is a survey only! 11 in-depth interviews were conducted with the help of the above-given interview guide with an age range of 18-50 years of polygamous women after obtaining initial data. Understand that he couldve cheated, but rather chose something that is common in African culture. Thamsanqa says its important to make sure you really want another wife, and to thoroughly analyse your reasons. I grew up as an only child, and I always knew I wanted a lot of children, but my wifes pregnancy with the twins was very complicated. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Mrs. Amir (second wife) and Mrs. Kamal (first wife) were felt lonelier and criticized by their family because of infertility and the new wives were getting more privilege socially and financially because of having children. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. Mrs. Arslan was the first wife of her husband. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. The effects of polygamy on children and adolescents: A systematic review. It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. Ibn Qudamah writes: Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. I never expected to be a second wife. She tried her best to convince her husband not to get married to another woman but she was not succeeded. She told when her husband introduced her to the other co-wives, in the beginning, they both cursed me but later they made a compromise and accepted her. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. Life as a co-wife wasn't easy for Cecilia; she started being mistreated by the second wife. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. He proposed for marriage to me as a second wife. Gabe and I won't have that. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. Cecilia says her husband married a second wife purely for his own physical desires and greed. Women experienced various degrees of emotional difficulties including jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness, and lack of intimacy with their spouses. She was married to Mr. Imam due to family pressure when he had already a wife with 2 children. Source: Sunan Sad ibn Manr 633, Grade: Sahih. But the . What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? Being a step-parent can be a very . For Aneesa Azeez, a 23-year-old Muslim convert and college graduate, her husband's . Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. International Nursing Review. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. The co-wives shared their several experiences and reasons why they allowed their husbands for 2nd or 3rd marriage. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. Crookston EM. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. What Is Marriage Coaching? Whats not typically expected is becoming a second wife. But in Pakistan and Iran, only consent is required from the first wife and need to show it in the court as proof for the second wife. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. Lateron, both married. Social Change. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. Both were a happy couple with 2 boys and 1 baby girl. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). To evaluate the outcomes of the relationship between co-wives. Why is it higher the second time around? There are many things about a divorced family that can be nontraditional, especially holidays. Lillian, for example, says she changed her mind because she could see how sorry Thamsanqa was for hurting her, and when he explained his reasons she was able to move from heartbreak to acceptance. As Mrs. Amir told the researcher, in the beginning, she got more privilege than the first but as time was passed and she did not conceive there was a time when she was completely ignored by in-laws and later from her husband. She told her a tragic story. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. In rare cases, men have carried on double lives, marrying two women and supporting two families, with neither wife knowing about the other. They also threatened her with divorce. Your spouse has lost their first wife either to divorce or death, both of which bring immense, albeit very different, pain and coping mechanisms. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . Minor clashes are part of life to her. Al-Sharfi M, Pfeffer K, Miller KA. Theyd been happily married for 15 years when she received the shock of her life. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. This is by far the most common (and the most frequently legal) form of polygamy. Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. And what if one of the wives has a problem with the way her husband is treating her? Formal permission was taken from the institution for data collection. Unfortunately, those stereotypes are not accurate. The first author analyzed the transcripts line by line, which was read repeatedly and thematically analyzed for their contents. All the above shows that there is really no marriage between the both parties. 2 Meet other future spouses. But it was a happy marriage for her with 2 children (one boy and one girl). Reviewed by Lybi Ma. I don't care about the feelings of his first wife, his first . I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. She said, there was a time when I thought no one in the world was in my favor except God". I was so impressed., READ MORE:Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya. But Thembi* (the second wife) shocked our husband and decided to stay in the main house with Thamsanqa. They each have their separate rooms, and their husband alternates time spent between them equally. Rahmanian P, Munawar K, Mukhtar F, Choudhry FR. The real term for that arrangement is polygyny, "the practice or condition of having more than one wife at one time." Poly was defined above, and -gyny probably looks familar, from words like misogyny and gynecology: it's the Greek gyne, "woman." It doesnt mean that it cant be wonderful. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. One Sunday morning Thamsanqa sat her down and asked her how shed feel if he took a second wife. 2016; 22(3): 272-286. But honestly, if your significant other has already had a wedding, who cares? Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? Love marriage: Love marriage is a very common reason for co-wives [13]. She said "first wife of my husband always get more privilege than me." Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. Eva wasnt happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Yet we have to shake off the stigma attached to being The Second Wife and say, with a smile, Yes indeed, Im his second wife. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Her husband got married to Miss Sobia who was the 2nd wife and it was again a love marriage. She also said, "'my children and 1 should get a fair and deserving share of the marriage and properties". 2006; 35(1), 46-61. In turn, some women don't tell their friends about their husband's other partners because young people in the region are becoming more outspoken on how polygamy is an arrangement that is designed. Could be many factors, but since a person in the marriage has already gone through a divorce, the option seems available and not as scary. But Im his last.. She was a nurse and divorce. Gina Barreca, Ph.D., a board of trustees distinguished professor at UConn, is the author of 10 books, including the bestselling They Used to Call Me Snow White, But I Drifted. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? 2014; 8-10. 1. Stanford University Press. She said, 2nd wife of my husband also helps me in daily households activities. If that doesnt help, she can then approach his elders and explain exactly what it is thats happening and how shed like them to help. All are located in new apartment buildings in good neighborhoods; their total value is about $5 million. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. For example, many people view second wives as cheating, homewreckers, and gold diggers. 2014; 5(27): 1058-1058. An analysis of 11 cases of polygamous women transcribed verbatim showed a cluster of themes as infertility or having only female children, love marriage of husband, family pressure, the relationships among co-wives, and their coping strategies to accept this relationship in their marital life. Maybe it was because I didnt have anyone in mind when I approached her I wasnt cheating on my wife, Id never do that.. Opponents of decriminalization say the current law should not be changed because polygamy is inherently dangerous and harmful to women and children, particularly young girls, some of whom have. As she had a new born she told when she was admitted to the hospital 1st wife of her husband prepared and brought food for her from the home. Mrs. Arslan told that she was shocked when she came to know about her husband's affair. I'm seven months pregnant. After her husbands second marriage she said, I moved to a separate household, to me, it works best because I dont have to see her (co-wife) come into the house to visit my husband. 2. 2020; 39(2): 750-760. She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. I defended my mother and my dad just watched everything unfold. After three years of this, Eva decided to file for divorce but her husband, Evelyn says, is still trying to milk her for all her money. Archives of Women's Mental Health. Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives they were twins, she recalls. Christianity condemns polygamy as an offence against the dignity of marriage, insisting that conjugal love between a man and wife must be mutual and unreserved, undivided and exclusive. Though later on, she had a good relation with 2nd wife. Disadvantages (Demerits) Of Polygamous Marriage 1. Barber N. Explaining cross-national differences in polygyny intensity: Resource-defense, sex ratio, and infectious diseases. The co-wives were approached from their homes. No, it is illegal.Under Section 494 of the Indian Penal Code, if a person marries a second time, without a divorce, while their spouse is alive, the marriage is considered bigamy, which is a punishable offense. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." 2014. I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. In this concern two research experts (co-authors) were consulted. They often include not-so-subtle warnings about what's to come, designed to keep you strong and united in the face of conflict, change, hardship, kids. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. So finding a man who respects women like uBaba is a blessing, The two women share the home duties between them, taking turns cooking and cleaning, and their six children help with the dishes and other household duties. By marrying uBaba Ive not only gained an amazing husband and beautiful children Ive also gained a sister I wouldnt otherwise have had. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. 2019; 86(3): 1332-1370. The participants expressed the usage of different coping Strategies in polygamous marriage as religion, fate, compromise, and sisterly bond with co-wives. The study was an attempt to gain perspective about the causes of polygamy, its consequences, and the most important womens ways of coping strategies in polygamous marriages. But Professor Maphalala says although each family has its own way of doing things, its usually the husband who decides how the children should be disciplined. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. But thats not how it works out for everyone. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Both verbal and written consent was obtained. His family says it was unaware of any "second. They are sister wives, which means they have a friendship as well. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. Second marriages are like that. Theyre all equal and these two women are their mothers equally. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. They dream big. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. She explained" in the beginning, my husband ignored me and my daughters and reduces the monthly income for my children. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. Current Psychology. International Journal of Mental Health. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. "If you are the second or third or fourth wife, that marital relationship is not going to be recognized for immigration purposes. A false rumour that men in Eritrea would be legally obliged to marry at least two women went viral this week. No one does; no little girl longs to grow up and walk down the aisle to the strains of "Here Comes the Second Bride, All Dressed in an Ivory Suit." So, she accepted this relationship. 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at one time but the condition is to maintain equality and Justice in all the possession whatever a man holds in material means [1]. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. Seven women were single before marriage, while two were divorced and two were widowed. Can I marry second wife? Mrs. Kamal also has a good relationship with her co-wife. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry ISSN: 2231-7805 (In Print)E-ISSN The findings of the study indicate that polygamy is a painful and bitter pill for most women to swallow. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. Avoiding adultery According to WorldCat, 99 percent of polygamous married men use this reason as justification for their undertakings. The newlyweds moved to Soweto where they started a family after Nomqondiso died. 2008; 148(6): 745-764. The women of polygamous families shared their lived experiences of polygamy. And more children too they are all so respectful and loving, a clear example of the home theyre being brought up in.. Now the first wife has no say. It is permissible for women and their family guardians to stipulate a condition in the marriage contract that the husband may not marry a second wife against her will. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. She said, "Emotions change with priorities". composed of two imperfect people. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didnt quite open, he is nevertheless willing to do it again and at an even greater risk-- everyone knows second marriages are risky. Lots of people are betraying their partners while pretending to be monogamous. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. Incidentally, polygamy is illegal for non-Muslims according to Federal law but is allowed for Muslim men under Sharia Law. Literature indicates that the structure of the polygamous women's families badly affected the psychological and social functioning of polygamous women and children [9-11]. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Her ex-husband died. 2010;57(1): 121-127. Growing up my mother was abused by my father, Thembi says as she wipes away a tear. 6. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? He's not a wealthy man, he has another family and I accepted that.'. Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. Wed both been married before, but does that really matter? The difficulty is usually with the first wife. With over 100k combined users in countries around the world (including 2,000 active users in Canada), Chaiwala's latest move is to launch a Google Play app for SecondWife.com, to bring polygamy . Because polygamy is typically condoned only in specific regions, it may be difficult to meet other willing participants to enter a polygamous union. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. Mrs. Mustafa said, she approved and permitted her husband to 2nd marriage. His first marriage counted. The outcomes of polygamous marriages have also been seen. I was so sad and heartbroken to the point of not speaking to him for three days! After calming down Lillian communicated her feelings and concerns to Thamsanqa, and he explained his point of view. Polygamy has become very common in numerous cultures particularly in Islamic society. Though plural marriage is banned in developed courtiers, it is surprisingly common, and popular, that 55% of the women share their husbands in developed countries while an average of 16% of women in less developed nations. Many people think bigamy and polygamy mean the same thing . But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. Brigham Young and His Wives. A few years ago, her mother was killed in a car accident. Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. The Review of Economic Studies. Second marriages also have a much larger cast of characters than any first marriage. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. 2007; 21(1), 108-127. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. Not many people like a second wife. So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you dont make it home at night. Gabe and I interact regularly with our exes and their new spouses, former in-laws, and current in-laws. Few helped financially in return for child-rearing to the senior wives. Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. The interviews were verified for accuracy and consistency by listening to the recordings. Carol Lynn Pearson's new book argues that many, if not most, Mormon women feel pain and fear at the prospect of sharing their husbands with at . When even used-car dealers dont regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? While in many cites it has been claimed that if a man is unable to maintain justice and equality to treat all the wives then the above verse is interpreted as in favour of monogamy [2]. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. Dont be too quick to bash him, Lillian advises other women in her position. Evelyn shrugs and says women should always know their rights and not be afraid to fight for them. Then communicate every detail to your wife she deserves that. Mrs. Kamal was also a childless first wife from the past 6-8 years and she accepted a co-wife rather than divorce. An interview guide was prepared before conducting interviews which were consisted of the following research questions based on literature. 5. Every possibility seems available to them. Remember, in a normal setup the wives are not enemies nor are they in competition, Maphalala points out. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. This practice of taking on another wife while still married to the first one is called polygamy, not to be confused with origami - which is the art of folding colored papers. There are seriously complicated stunts involved-- trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife. Six were first (senior) wives, four were second wives, and one was the 3rd wife in status. Family pressure: Family pressure is also one of the common reasons for polygamous marriages. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. However, several limitations exist. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. Journal of Family Studies. After 11 years passed when she had not conceived her in-laws forced her husband for co-wife. As she said 'I am unable to fulfill the needs or desires of my husband, so I allowed him for 2nd marriage. In most cases the husband will go back to the wife and apologise after his elders have spoken to him. In the normal course of events theres no need for formal structures in polygamous relationships as the wives usually work most things out for themselves, he says.

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